First words
By now, a number of my friends have already read my blog. I got some mixed responses. A friend of mine likes it and asks me about my updates, another commented that I'm not really attacking religion but only pointing out its flaws and another exclaimed (in all caps) that reading my blog gave her a headache because I had too many complaints.
I don't really know if I can write a recent post. For some reason, I feel irritable. I don't really know why. It's just this feeling I have: my eyebrows slant down and there's like this gray cloud in the center of my brain that just suffocates my brain. I should be watching a movie right now; I'm set to watch Gran Torino and The Wind Will Carry Us and a couple of episodes of Honey and Clover, but I'm afraid I'm far too angry to do that. So, I might as well let some steam off through blogging.
Edit
The Afterlife
In heaven, there's a big file cabinet containing an organized anthology of all my thoughts. Everything I wanted to write but wasn't able to is there, and I get to read it all for the rest of eternity. I'm in a perfect situation to know myself. When I get sick of it, I throw it all down to earth and it ends up in the heads of other people. I leave the small, white storage room, and then I go to a theater and turn on the TV and then I see a DVD's on. Scene selection: every moment in my life is there and I can relive it. Options: I can choose to live it again with the knowledge I have right now, or I can choose to live it again without it--the same way I lived it before. I can rewrite every moment in my life: I can forever keep the women I lost, I can be however great or worthless I want to be. and I can try killing somebody.... An infinite realm of possibilities, and I won't get sick of it because at the end of every scene, I take a cup of water--and then I forget. It all starts over again.
But then again, that's just a fantasy. A personal myth. But if I were a god (or had the capability and the nerve to trick people into thinking I'm a prophet), I could make a cult--a religion that the afterlife is like that.
And it makes me wonder why do I believe in the god of the deists. Why do I believe in a god that leaves after the Big Bang? What difference does it have from atheism? How do we marvel at a god that isn't there after we are long gone? On a personal note: why do I believe in that god when I have a notion of heaven? I don't really know. I'm still looking for myself and for the god that seems alien to me.
God after god after god. I left the God of the Covenant who does not admit that he made evil so he could be good. I leave the God of the Deists because it seems pointless to believe in him. A fork in the road: one path leads to atheism and the other to something similar to paganism.
Big words. Big words. They all seem so hollow and alien to me.
"Parting is all we know of heaven, And all we need of hell."
By now, a number of my friends have already read my blog. I got some mixed responses. A friend of mine likes it and asks me about my updates, another commented that I'm not really attacking religion but only pointing out its flaws and another exclaimed (in all caps) that reading my blog gave her a headache because I had too many complaints.
I don't really know if I can write a recent post. For some reason, I feel irritable. I don't really know why. It's just this feeling I have: my eyebrows slant down and there's like this gray cloud in the center of my brain that just suffocates my brain. I should be watching a movie right now; I'm set to watch Gran Torino and The Wind Will Carry Us and a couple of episodes of Honey and Clover, but I'm afraid I'm far too angry to do that. So, I might as well let some steam off through blogging.
Edit
I had another friend read my stuff, and she said that again, it is full of complaints.
What's a complaint? I asked her. She didn't respond, so I asked teh all-knowing internets.
an expression of grievance or resentment
wordnet.princeton.edu/perl/webwn
In general use, a complaint is an expression of displeasure, such as poor service at a store, or from a local government, etc. ...
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Complaint
What these definitions fail to attribute to my posts is my contempt and my criticism. Sure, it may be fucking blatant because of the fucking swearing, but still, it's pointing out its fucking flaws.
Now, if you want to relieve me of my grievance, my resentment or my displeasure, then by all means:
PROVE ME WRONG.*
What's a complaint? I asked her. She didn't respond, so I asked teh all-knowing internets.
an expression of grievance or resentment
wordnet.princeton.edu/perl/webwn
In general use, a complaint is an expression of displeasure, such as poor service at a store, or from a local government, etc. ...
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Complaint
What these definitions fail to attribute to my posts is my contempt and my criticism. Sure, it may be fucking blatant because of the fucking swearing, but still, it's pointing out its fucking flaws.
Now, if you want to relieve me of my grievance, my resentment or my displeasure, then by all means:
PROVE ME WRONG.*
The Afterlife
In heaven, there's a big file cabinet containing an organized anthology of all my thoughts. Everything I wanted to write but wasn't able to is there, and I get to read it all for the rest of eternity. I'm in a perfect situation to know myself. When I get sick of it, I throw it all down to earth and it ends up in the heads of other people. I leave the small, white storage room, and then I go to a theater and turn on the TV and then I see a DVD's on. Scene selection: every moment in my life is there and I can relive it. Options: I can choose to live it again with the knowledge I have right now, or I can choose to live it again without it--the same way I lived it before. I can rewrite every moment in my life: I can forever keep the women I lost, I can be however great or worthless I want to be. and I can try killing somebody.... An infinite realm of possibilities, and I won't get sick of it because at the end of every scene, I take a cup of water--and then I forget. It all starts over again.
But then again, that's just a fantasy. A personal myth. But if I were a god (or had the capability and the nerve to trick people into thinking I'm a prophet), I could make a cult--a religion that the afterlife is like that.
And it makes me wonder why do I believe in the god of the deists. Why do I believe in a god that leaves after the Big Bang? What difference does it have from atheism? How do we marvel at a god that isn't there after we are long gone? On a personal note: why do I believe in that god when I have a notion of heaven? I don't really know. I'm still looking for myself and for the god that seems alien to me.
God after god after god. I left the God of the Covenant who does not admit that he made evil so he could be good. I leave the God of the Deists because it seems pointless to believe in him. A fork in the road: one path leads to atheism and the other to something similar to paganism.
Big words. Big words. They all seem so hollow and alien to me.
"Parting is all we know of heaven, And all we need of hell."
Emily Dickinson
---
* 4-9-09 Edit: Nobody, NO CHRISTIAN has bothered to do so. Way to take one for the team!
I cannot change what you want to believe. I just hope that you find yourself and that god you want to believe in.
ReplyDeletelike i said, you have to find what you believe in on your own. forcing anyone else's beliefs on you would be wrong. you need to experience life on your own, without anyone telling you what you should be.
ReplyDeletemaybe then you'll see what you need to guide you in life.
who knows...you might find its God you're looking for after all.